“LOVE” AND RIDING THE CYCLE OF ABUSE >> get off at the next stop

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20150404_184446_Richtone(HDR)At first you are more than good enough and close friends questioned why you would be with this person, that you’re not “equally yoked”, as they say. But, you see something in this person that no one else does and you’ve found love. Your love says and does all the right things and they seem to truly cherish who you are. As time passes the differences start to become more and more apparent but, not to you, but to the person that is the”love of your life”. Instead of looking within to find the problem they search you and find bits and pieces to pick at and pick at and eventually break down the “love of their life” into a broken mess. Now you hear “your not the person I fell in love with” and along with that comes the many complaints, corrections, control and ridicule, followed by not a word of repentance or an apology because its “your fault” “if you would get things right you would be treated better”. You start to question your value and wonder what you’re doing wrong. You can’t please the un-pleasable.
“Your just too much trouble”, is often heard from your “beloved”

OKAY, STOP RIGHT THERE!

It may get better for a split second after a few promises and a roll in the sack but it escalates from here.
A vicious cycle that has a sweet spot at the top of the ride, but each time it goes around it gets worse.
Get off the ride before it stops, on it’s own, FOREVER.
You are worth more as you are. Even broken pieces can be put back together as long as they are not shattered. God loves us no matter what. Its called agape. Love yourself and don’t worry about poor abuser they never cared about you only to control you. God bless. Don’t give up. Happiness is a choice, make the choice to be happy. Be positive and remain positive
It all comes out in the wash

Time To Manifest Dreams

The path we intend to take and the road we end up on are rarely the same. Keep on going and you will arrive just exactly where your dreams take you.

The Written Word

Manifest_Your_DreamsTime To Manifest Dreams

So often times, Life doesn’t go quite as planned

For instance, my First Dream as a Child was to be a Professional Baseball Player

nolan_ryan(Nolan Ryan)

A Pitcher to be more specific

Nolan Ryan was one of my heroes as a kid

5 27 14 montBut I lived in a remote canyon with my brother and Mom

And getting to practices would have been tough

So I let it go

Then in 1977

Star Wars Movie Poster 2I saw Star Wars

And that’s when I decided I wanted to be a Filmmaker

And in 2000

I moved to Eugene Oregon

Bought a Video Camera

And made experimental Films using Action Figures

(That Was Shot Scene After Scene, No Editing, And The Music Was Playing On A Portable Stereo)

Two Years Later

In 2002

I Shot My First Short Film “If Not Now…”

Shot In An Hour And A Half

Edited As Best I…

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Held by that unseen thumb

As I reach for the exit and look back to what’s stopping me I see emptiness. What is it that is holding me down? Looking around it’s all clouded, like a dream. Is it a dream? No, maybe a nightmare! That’s not right either. I am not a sleep. I am a live. A beating heart, breath, movement all a part of my existence. Existing, yes I exist. Numb most of the time but I am here. Where? Where is here? Listening… Nothing, I hear nothing. Feel… No, nothing there either. Look… a fog, something in the distance, can’t make it out. Why can’t I move?

It is a revolving door…

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this life we live. Strange how we repeat and repeat what we repeat just to end up repeating it again. It’s like no matter how much one tries to adjust and change it seems like history, as they say, repeats itself. Alterations made with intent to change and re-create and bring a more desirable outcome end in an individual discovering that they are who they are and no matter how hard they run from it they face themselves when looking in the mirror. Embracing that person and working with the individual they see and have tried so hard to erase can actually, in a twisted way, blossom into a productive and radiant being. Human being that is.

My calling?

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IMG_1363Well, I’ve tried my hand at writing and a few other not so successful ventures. I can’t say that I’ve failed at one or another but I am without a doubt not a master at any. So I will keep on dipping my toe into that water until it is no longer cold but warm. Then, I’ll take a little swim, wade around and find the hot spot. That’s were I think my passion sits. I’m simply looking for the happy zone in life. Not anything in-particular. Nothing society has deemed as successful or right. Not a sexual encounter or a synthetic episode but a place within that brings comfort and contentment. My calling.

keep going

What is it that keeps you going? Heart goes thump, thump; brain sends signals and your body responds. Coffee is poured and drank… What is it that keeps you going?

I’d say for me it is God who gives me strength to continue forward on the days that I don’t really feel like moving a muscle.  My precious children inspire me to do more.  I am on a journey to find that strong, independent woman and to develop that woman into what she would love to be.  I once was very dynamic and aspired to reach the top of just about any challenge.  Its been some time since that woman has been seen around here.  Things have changed and not for the good.  Time to warp the avene of change to bend it just enough to push this woman in the write direction.

It Was 2013… Chapter 1

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Imagine a place where you can not taste or smell, anything. It is such a place that is null of color or emotion. That is where this story begins. It was a very cold day in July. Yes that’s right, July. I woke to frost on the windows and my cat was lying next to me purring. She seemed different somehow. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but she was just different. I walked across the room into the kitchen area of my small one room apartment. The floor was icy. I wondered, “How could it be so cold in July?”, especially in Arizona. That was the day that everything as I knew it, changed forever.

Everything has gone stir crazy since last October. It has been eight months since then. Very unusual and scary months filled with uncertainty and bewilderment. I’m trying to understand it all as each day reality changes. Nothing is as it used to be. Many have passed on, at their own hands in an attempt to avoid the certain destruction and misery predicted. October came and went last year, but today July 15, 2013 I find myself wondering what’s next.

I turned on the tap to make a pot of coffee. No water. Frozen? Shut down? I paid the bill. So what’s the deal. It’s obvious that nothing will ever be the same. So much destruction. I miss Emily so much. I wish Jim wouldn’t have dragged her along with him to beat “them” at their own game. I still havent figured out who they were trying to beat but they’re gone, she’s gone, without a word to let me know if they are still alive.

I have this cat and Carol, my best friend lives down the hall. I’ll call her, see if I can use her shower and hang out with her at her place so I can figure this out. “My house is like an ice cycle Jenny”, Carol said. I don’t have any water either. I think we need to check the underground for information. You going or me?”

It Was 2013…(2nd taste)

Everything has gone stir crazy since last October. It has been eight months since then. Very unusual and scary months filled with uncertainty and bewilderment. I’m trying to understand it all as each day reality changes. Nothing is as it used to be. Many have passed on, at their own hands in an attempt to avoid the certain destruction and misery predicted. October came and went last year, but today July 15, 2013 I find myself wondering what’s next.

Just another taste of “It Was 2013

IT WAS 2013

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Imagine a place where you cannot taste or smell, anything. It is such a place that is null of color or emotion. That is where this story begins. It was a very cold day in July. Yes that’s right, July. I woke to frost on the windows and my cat was lying next to me purring. She seemed different somehow. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but she was just different. I walked across the room into the kitchen area of my small one room apartment. The floor was icy. I wondered, “How could it be so cold in July?”, especially in Arizona. That was the day that everything as I knew it, changed forever.

MORE TO COME…